Satoshi Nakamoto: Banks Love Bitcoin Now? What a Joke

Okay, so I just saw this headline: "Salehe Links with Bitcoin Clothing Label Satoshi Nakamoto for Exclusive Osmosis Colorway." Are you KIDDING me? Seventeen years after Satoshi Nakamoto supposedly unleashed this world-changing crypto thing, and now his name is slapped on a pair of pre-dirtied sneakers? Let's be real, this is peak late-stage capitalism.

The Irony Is Thicker Than a Bitcoin Maximalist's Skull

The real Satoshi, whoever they are, is probably face-palming so hard right now they've achieved escape velocity. I mean, the whole point of Bitcoin was to disrupt the system, right? Decentralize everything, take power away from the banks, and stick it to the man. Now? Now JPMorgan is using Bitcoin as freakin' collateral and BlackRock is selling ETFs. Satoshi, We Have A Problem: At 17 Years Old, Banks Love Bitcoin

Remember all that cypherpunk stuff? Financial privacy? Individual autonomy? Now it's just another marketing angle to sell overpriced shoes to hypebeasts who probably don't even know what a hash function is. And offcourse, the shoes are "pre-dirtied and worn". Because what better way to celebrate a revolution than by looking like you just crawled out of a dumpster?

Speaking of JPMorgan, I just saw they opened a brand new global headquarters in New York. One of the most expensive construction projects ever. A fitting symbol, apparently, of the "enduring power of centralized finance." You can't make this stuff up.

From Revolution to...Retail?

We've gone from "fuck the system" to "buy our limited-edition drop." It's like Gandhi said: First they ignore you, then they laugh at you, then they fight you, then they win... by selling you branded merchandise.

And don't even get me started on the Nobel Prize winners they're dragging into this. Joel Mokyr, Philippe Aghion, Peter Howitt... all these eggheads talking about "creative destruction" and how Bitcoin is supposedly fitting into some grand historical narrative. Give me a break.

Creative destruction? More like creative co-opting.

I saw another article floating around that some people were trying to pin the whole Satoshi thing on some Zcash engineer named Daira-Emma Hopwood. British cryptographer, privacy advocate, blah blah blah. The arguments are circumstantial, and the evidence is non-existent. Satoshi Mystery Reignites: Is Zcash Engineer Daira-Emma Hopwood the Hidden Architect of Bitcoin?

It's the same old story: someone builds something cool, and everyone scrambles to figure out who to worship. Maybe the real Satoshi just wants to be left alone. Maybe they're laughing at us from a beach in Belize, sipping margaritas paid for with early-mined coins. Or maybe they're just a bunch of code, an idea, a ghost in the machine that we're projecting all our hopes and fears onto.

Wait a minute... I just remembered I have to renew my freakin' driver's license this week. Why is it that I can send cryptocurrency across the planet in seconds, but I still have to stand in line at the DMV like it's 1985? Makes absolutely no sense.

The Fight's Not Over... But It's Definitely Changed

Look, I'm not saying Bitcoin is dead. I'm saying it's been assimilated. The suits have figured out how to monetize it, regulate it, and turn it into just another cog in the machine. The revolution isn't being fought in code anymore; it's being fought in culture. It's about whether we're going to let these institutions dictate the terms, or if we're going to hold onto the original vision of self-custody, open networks, and user sovereignty.

MIT's Christian Catalini is saying the future of money depends on shared infrastructure, not walled gardens. But let's be honest, how many people actually care about that? Most people just want something that's easy to use and doesn't require them to think too hard.

Then again, maybe I'm the crazy one here. Maybe I'm just a grumpy old cynic who's resistant to change. Maybe these pre-dirtied sneakers are actually a brilliant commentary on the commodification of dissent.

Nah. I don't buy it.

The End of an Era, or Just the Beginning of the Sellout?